


Regardless

by alllove



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Depression, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-13 15:08:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29280462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alllove/pseuds/alllove
Summary: The reader is dealing with a difficult day and Spencer just wants to help out.
Relationships: Spencer Reid/Reader
Kudos: 46





	Regardless

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys so this is just a small fic about a tough day and having someone to share it with. Enjoy :)

You stepped into your apartment, dropped your bag and collapsed onto the couch. You had to dig your nails into your palms to stop from crying, and even then it was barely enough. You took a deep breath, shaky as it was, and then you took another. You brushed the hair out of your face and got off the couch. 

You walked over to the kitchen to make yourself a cup of coffee. Even though it was the end of the work day, you still had some paperwork to do and you knew you wouldn’t be able to stay awake without some caffeine. 

You sipped your coffee, sitting in silence, staring at the blank television. You knew today was one of those days. One of those days you just had to get through. No matter how much you wanted to curl into a ball and sleep, or how much you wanted to cry, or how much you just wanted a hug, you had to push through. You heard the door knob shake and you quickly wiped the tears from your eyes and opened a book you found on the coffee table. 

“Hey” Spencer said, putting his stuff down and walking over to the couch. 

“Hi,” you responded, giving him a hesitant peck on the cheek. “How was your day?” You prayed he couldn’t hear the tears in your throat, that he didn’t feel the tears that had streamed down your face when you kissed him. 

“It was good. Tough case but I knew I was coming home to you,” he said, kissing you again. You smiled at him softly. “Good book?” He asked. 

“What?” You looked confused for a minute before remembering the book you picked up before he walked in. “Oh, yeah,” you replied. He tilted his head for a moment, looking at you. You averted your eyes from him but didn’t move another muscle. He dropped his gaze and interlocked your fingers. 

He kiss your forehead again before getting up. “Okay, I’m gonna jump in the shower and then I will put on some tea and you can tell me about your day. Sound good?” He asked you. 

You nodded your head and smiles at him again. You watched him as he walked away, thinking about how lucky you were to have him. Once you heard the shower turn on you got up to go to the kitchen again. You stared at one of the drawers, blinking away the tears that were forming. You took a deep breath and opened the drawer, pulling out a sharp knife. 

You rolled up your sleeve and looked at your wrist, seeing the scars that remained. You thought about the good things in your life, but all you could think of was Spencer. You started to sob silently before putting the knife back in the drawer and closing it. You sunk to the ground, hands over your face, letting the tears fall, choking on your sobs. You stared at the ceiling, trying to regain yourself. 

You heard the shower turn off and you got up to change into some pajamas, frantically trying to calm yourself and cover up the fact that you had been crying. You changed while you knew Spencer was still in the bathroom. It was probably the fastest you had every changed because you didn’t want to take the chance that he’d see you and your scars. 

You headed back to the couch and finished the cup of coffee you were working on. You went to the cabinet next, reaching for a bottle of whiskey. You needed something strong tonight. 

Spencer walked out of the bathroom and over to you. He kissed the top of your head before heading to the kitchen to start some tea. “What kind do you want?” He asked you. 

When you didn’t respond to him at first, he turned back to look at you downing a glass of the whiskey you had. “Hey, you okay?” He asked, and you lifted your head to look at him. You nodded and he walked back over to you. “You know, you shouldn’t mix alcohol and coffee. Alcohol is a depressant and the caffeine in coffee is a stimulant. Your body uses the caffeine to make you feel more awake which makes your body think it can handle more alcohol. In fact, most people who combine coffee and alcohol end up drinking more than they can handle, simply because they claim to not feel the effects of alcohol.”

You looked at Spencer, tears in your eyes, unable to control them anymore. You started to cry and sob uncontrollably. “Hey, hey, shh,” Spencer said as he put his arm around you, pulling you closer to him. You sobbed into his chest as he stroked your hair. “I’m here. I’m right here. What’s going on?” He asked you, the concern in his voice rising with every word he spoke. You tries to pull yourself together, starting to hyperventilate as you tried to speak. 

“Okay, okay, deep breaths, can you do that for me,” he asked you. You shook your head no, unable to control the short bursts of air you were exhaling. “Okay, that’s okay, here just hold my hand,” he said as he reached out for both your hands. He counted to four, held for seven, and exhaled for eight, trying to guide your breathing. When you finally calmed down, he pulled you into a hug. 

You hugged him tighter than you ever had before, tugging at his shirt, and inhaling his scent as your head rested in the crook of his neck. 

“Shh, I got you,” he whispered while rubbing your back. 

After a minute or two, Spencer went to move his hands, but you gripped his shirt tighter. “Please don’t let go yet,” you whispered. 

“Okay,” he replied, keeping his arms around you, one hand cradling the back of your head. 

You sat like that for another couple of minutes before your sniffled and pulled away from him. Your eyes were red and puffy and you could see the tear stains you’d left on Spencer’s shirt. “Oh god, I’m so sorry,” you said reaching for the stains. 

“Hey, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it. You wanna talk about what’s bothering you?” He asked, now holding your hands, You took a deep breath and nodded your head. “Okay, how about I make that tea, and you can tell me about what’s going on?” He asked again. You nodded and got up to go to the bathroom to wash your face. 

While you were in the bathroom, Spencer was reheating the water for the tea. He noticed one of the drawers slightly open and closed it, knowing full well what its contents were. His face fell as he thought of the worst, but quickly recovered when he saw you walk into the room again. 

“Hi,” you said and you gave him another hug before heading to the couch. 

“Do you uh, do you want green or uh, or chamomile,” he asked, his mind racing. 

“Chamomile please,” you replied, watching him make the tea, sensing something was wrong. 

Spencer brought the tea and sat down next to you, covering the two of you with a blanket. 

“Okay, what’s been going on?” He asked, one hand holding his tea, and the other intertwined with yours. 

“I, um, I don’t really know to be honest. I just, I’m tired all the time, I never want to leave my bed, and every day is a struggle. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say it was another one of my depressive episodes,” you said hesitantly. 

“I’m sorry. Do you want to just stay home tomorrow? I can take a personal day, and we can just sit like this. You can stay in bed or do whatever makes you feel better,” Spencer suggested, trying to help. 

“Yeah, I think that’d be nice. Honestly, I don’t know what gets into me, Spence. Sometimes I just, I don’t want to live. But then I think about you and it brings me back. I don’t know what I’d do without you,” you said to him, a tear rolling down your face. 

Spencer reached up to wipe your tear away, cupping your face for a second. 

“I love you,” he said, a tear rolling down his face too. “But I have to ask you something,” he finished. You small smile dropped from your face as you bit your lip in anticipation. “You don’t have to tell me but, uh, have you… have you ever h- hurt yourself?” Spencer asked, barely able to get the sentence out. 

Your heart dropped. How did he know? And why didn’t you tell him before? You wanted to, of course you did, but you didn’t. 

“Spence, I didn’t, I didn’t want to-“ you started, extremely flustered. Spencer’s head hung low as his worst nightmare became a reality. “I’m sorry, Spence, I promise I haven’t in a while, I just- I couldn’t help it sometimes,” you cried. 

“I’m not mad Y/N. I would never be mad at you for that. I just- why didn’t you tell me?” He asked. “I could’ve helped, I could’ve done something.”

“You did! You did do something. You did everything, Spence. You brought me back from a dark place. You’re the reason I was able to stop,” you told him, the sight of his tears breaking your heart. 

“Until tonight,” he whispered. 

“What?”

“I saw the drawer open…” he trailed off. 

“No, Spence, no, I promise. I thought about it but then I thought about you and I stopped myself. You brought me back.” 

You cupped his face with both your hands, your thumbs running along his jawline, holding his head up as he tried to hide his face so you wouldn’t see him cry. “I’m sorry, Spence, I’m so sorry. I never meant for you to have to deal with me and my problems,” you said. 

“Don’t say that. I want to deal with your problems, no matter how big or small they are,” he said. He paused for a moment and then asked you another question. “Can I see them?”

You inhaled sharply. You licked your lips and pursed them. You rolled up your sleeves to show him your wrists. Spencer ran his fingers over your scars, making you wince a little. It didn’t go unnoticed, as Spencer quickly pulled his hands back. 

“The next time you feel an urge, you tell me okay? I don’t care if it’s the middle of the night or if I’m in another state or country or whatever. I don’t care about any of that. You call me,” he said firmly holding your hands in his. 

You nodded your head and then grabbed his face, and kissed him like you never had before. He cupped your cheeks, deepening the kiss, tears rolling down both your faces. 

“I’m sorry,” you whispered, your foreheads touching. 

“Don’t be. I love you regardless.”

“I love you too,” you replied. Both of you stayed there, just breathing with each other. 

A few minutes later you both decided it was time to give sleep a try. It had been a long and emotional night. 

***

It was a few hours of good sleep before you woke up sweating. You felt Spencer’s arms still wrapped around you, his breathing on your neck. 

You got up to go to the bathroom. You washed your face and took some deep breaths before heading back to bed. 

“Hey, you okay?” Spencer said, still half asleep. 

“Yeah, I’m fine. Go back to sleep,” you said to him. You took a deep breath and turned back to face him. “Actually, Spence, I’m not okay,” you said. 

“What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know,” you whispered. 

“That’s okay. Come here, I got you,” he said reassuringly. You got back into bed as Spencer wrapped his arms around you. “Better?” He whispered. 

“Better,” you said back to him. You inhaled his scent and closed your eyes, holding his hands close to your chest. 

Spencer stayed awake, unbeknownst to you. He watched you fall asleep again, making sure you were okay. His hands felt your chest rise and fall with every breath you took as you drifted off again. He kissed the top of your head before closing his eyes as well. “I love you, regardless,” he whispered before falling into his own deep slumber.


End file.
